I'm losing my mind

I think things may have got out of hand. My Groupon Adventure started as an attempt to breathe spontaneity and fun back into my life; to explore my potential; to remember and remake myself. But I think I am now addicted. It has taken over everything. Groupon bleeds into my every thought. My bank account has been decimated.

This week I bought myself a personalized birthday cake on Groupon:

You know the saying, "If he could eat himself, he would"? It's meant to denote a narcissist. Someone so self-absorbed that they literally find themselves delicious. Well, on Saturday I ate myself. And it was yummy. I have an incredibly mourish face.

Do you know what the sad thing is? It wasn't even my birthday. I had to get them to write "Happy Birthday" on it to make it less embarrassing when I picked it up. I basically bought an edible shrine to myself, and that is only acceptable if it's cloaked in faux-celebration. The lady in the cake shop told me that "it's the weirdest thing we've ever put on a cake". Which made me feel simultaneously ashamed and also proud.

I didn't eat the entire cake by myself. I shared it with some of the few friends I have left:

I'm thinking of trying to market my cake to the mainstream, perhaps get supermarkets to stock it. We need a challenge to the ubiquitous "Caterpillar Cake", and this could be it. Everyone fights over the caterpillar's face, as it's the best bit. But, there isn't much face to go round, hence most people are dissapointed. But the beauty of my cake is that it's nearly 100% face. It's a no brainer. As in, I clearly have no brain.

I'd like to pretend that the cake was an isolated incident of egotism, but I'd be lying. The weekend before last I spent an entire Sunday building a 150 piece puzzle of my own face:

Puzzling behaviour

But it gets worse. I have also bought this:

It cost £150. To put that in context, that could feed 30 African orphans for a month.

It's been on my bed for about three weeks, so I've sort of forgotten it's there. I brought a girl back last night and she took one look at it and left immediately. She said that she "could never be with someone so self-obsessed". Of course, I defended my corner, I said "You're talking fucking bullshit, I'm not self-obsessed. This is a joke". After she left I was so upset that I just gorged myself on my own cake.

Also, that double-duvet is technically tax deductible. As you have laughed at it, and I am a comedian, it counts as a reasonable business expense. Which means that you 9 to 5 wage slaves have subsidized it! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

But seriously, as you kind of own a tiny part of it through your tax subsidy, do feel free to come over at any time and sit on my face.

Actually I am begging you, please visit me. I AM SO LONELY.